I’m having what I like to call a mid-mid-life crisis. I have no idea what to do with my life. And it is causing me endless amounts of stress and panic. And no, it does not help to know that everyone else my age is going through the same thing. I realise that. That does not help me, because I still don’t know what I want to do.
I hate my job. It makes me die a little inside every time I go. I begin counting down towards the weekend before Monday’s even started. Sure, I could quit, but then what am I supposed to do? That is my major problem at the moment. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Well, I know so far as I want to be a writer, and that’s about all I want to do, but I also know that it’s going to take a while to get to any level of success with that, and in the meantime I need to be doing something else in order to survive. And ideally that something else isn’t mind-numbing and soul-crushing, which my current job feels like.
I don’t want to just go from one crappy job to another crappy job. That starts to look really bad on my resume. I can’t just jump around from place to place. Who wants to hire that girl? I can’t go back to school because a) I don’t want to, school was also mind-numbing and soul-crushing, and b) I need to keep a full time job because I can’t afford to live otherwise.
I don’t know what to do! It’s a panic cycle, one that I feel very stuck in. One thing’s for sure, I need to find a new job. But that is far easier said than done. I don’t want the new job to just be like the old job, I want to do something that I actually enjoy – but what are the chances of me finding something like that? It’s terrifying, and suffocating, and can’t I just go back to high school when life was simple?
All I want to do is write. I’m stuck on that. I want to write fiction. That’s it. Option B is getting into the publishing industry and becoming an acquisitions editor, but I have neither the experience to break into that industry nor do I live in a city where I’d ever be able to properly get into publishing the way I want. I’d have to move, but that just opens up a whole new can of worms.
I don’t know what to do with my life, or where to go from here. And it’s the worst feeling in the world.